MUTABLE BUT CERTAIN

“my sometimes desire to die and turn into a wisp of nothing”

-a dear friend who i should not name or i will be going against their wishes

except i’m afraid it’s already too late for that
i’m sorry but i’m not
you co-own the menagerie in my head
our days are spent holding up baubles
seeing if they serve as prisms of any quality
ping-ponging the light through lenses and
slinkies made of swarovski crystals
falling down stairs in slow motion
knowing there are pillows at the bottom
the stairs all named after people
we didn’t mean to love
so we take turns being the pillows
burning holes in each other’s mattresses
with lighters and the plasma seeping
from our ears when we nap together
if asked if i was in love with you
i’d laugh because that’s likening
a secret passage to a beartrap
my answer is an invitation
unzip me
watch all the wrapping paper
music boxes
powdered dyes
confections cast in resin
petrified wood pressed flowers
and fossilized dreams come
tumbling out
reanimate and start to play
send in the clowns
call it a circus
name me whatever fits the day
we can do one better than finishing sentences
watch us complete each other’s thoughts

TV // RuPaul’s Drag Race S9E01 “Oh My Gaga!”

That felt a bit rushed, didn’t it? I mean, I always appreciate how RPDR tries to keep its formatting fresh with change-ups, but there was a lot more time to watch the queens interact and acclimate when season 8 premiered. That’s my feeling anyways. Between a guest superstar and a lot of focus on design and runway, there was plenty to take in, just not a lot of breathing room for the show’s nicer in-between, magic moments that give RPDR a lot of its charm. That being said, plenty of material from episode one to judge a new batch of girls on so let’s get to it (main challenge was a two-part pageant judged by Gaga and our panel of regulars). My power rankings from best to worst, especially relative this time because no one was sent home in favor of a last-minute-new-addition to the cast performed as a “cliffhanger” moment. Let’s go!

Nina Bo’nina Brown (winner) – My boyfriend will attest that I screamed and grabbed at his arm for every look she showcased this week. She got my jaded ass excited with her aesthetic, her nerve, her energy. I love when an entertainer makes me think “watch out” and she gave me that life. She’s smart too, if that snatched Gaga look for part two of the main challenge is any indicator, able to change it up without getting stuck in her wheelhouse. I’ll be looking to see her rise to the challenges of the season, including Michelle’s inevitable demand for more traditional glamour.

Sasha Velour – I love her commitment to pop art styling, avant-garde expression, and I get the sense she’s a real performer. From the prolonged shriek as her intro to the movement with fabric in her Gaga-in-Applause inspired runway look to the Warhol style self-portrait she held up during her Hometown category look, Sasha seemed to have a strong, unapologetic sense of she was and what she wanted to do. Whether she’ll have the versatility the show demands remains to be seen, but more often than not the true winners of the series’ past seasons have been able to inject themselves into every challenge they get thrown. Sasha has the promise of being able to do that.

Valentina – A big deal will be made out of her drag debut being so close to the show, but she obviously polished the shit out of her drag in private before any of that happened so I’m not buying that pre-made arc. I get why she didn’t quite make top three this week but every one of her looks this week was gorgeous, and she’s in contention for the best makeup in the house this season. Let her competitors underestimate because no way she isn’t hungry for this. I’ll probably have to acknowledge a bias for her from next week onwards because I love me a proud latina who wants to bring that identity to her art. I feel real kinship with that, sue me.

Eureka – A big girl I hope to see succeed on the level of Ginger Minj or Latrice Royale over the course of this season. It’s hard to say she wasn’t on the level of the queens above her in all honesty, it was just splitting hairs. I will say that she might have showcased her versatility better than anyone, doing a full-on John Waters comedic moment for her Hometown category and then showing up ultra-put-together in her Gaga-Telephone look. Her entry look and attitude were great too. She’s clearly not scared to be there, which has been a downfall of many a girl on this show to come before her. She told Valentina she’d eat her and I get the sense the whole cast better watch out that she not do the same while underestimating her with the usual boring fat jokes. Also, how cute was her breaking down over Gaga in the workroom?

Peppermint – I’m giving lots of points for personality with this one, she’s really got a gregariousness that will get her to stand out from the pack. What she’s going to have to watch out for is making sure she’s giving the full package at all times. She’s got good makeup skills, good clothing, but the styling details were a bit off (as the judges noted in her Gaga/Bowie look). Not to mention her wig-lines were easy to clock off of both looks she rocked in the pageant, which worries me a tad. Still I’m loving her charisma, I’m believing that she gets people energized at her shows like she claimed. C’mon candy gurl!

Alexis Michelle – She’s so polished and her painting style reminds me of Roxxxy Andrews in a really good way, but I have to admit I didn’t really notice her fully until her Gaga-Golden-Globes moment where her Broadway training really showed up as she “accepted her award” looking so correct and giving a subtle camp that’s hard to do. That being said her Hometown look was a little muddy around the bodice (I liked the idea of shouting out civil rights though) and I felt like I’ve seen her entrance look on other queens past to the letter. That worries me a little bit. I’m ready to see more from her, I’m ready to see her push herself to that level she’s demonstrated she can reach.

Aja – Let’s just get it out of the way: the painting is rough, she really needs to think about her makeup skills going forwards if she wants to stay in the race. But I see high-fashion clothes (that Commes des Garcon homage to Gaga was the right move), good hair, and most importantly a willingness to take risks and surprise. Plus, Sasha Velour mentioned that Aja is an it name in Brooklyn at the moment so I’ll be interested to see how she brings that to the RPDR stage. She’s got big shoes to fill based on the Brooklyn queens of Season 8. I didn’t love her talking up her wardrobe to everyone though. As Kimora Blac said: “No one cares!” Make us care, bitch. Make us care.

Shea Coulee – As a Chicago native I was LIVING for her campy costume for the Hometown category showcasing our signature style of hot dogs! Hilarious and thoughtful and I totally got from her looks and attitude the “champagne dreams on a lemonade budget” vibe she promised us in her intro sound byte. That’s also her con though because once again I felt the painting was pretty rough (that cheek contour left something to be desired, right? same with those cliffhangers in the entrance look?) and I had to struggle and rematch to even remember her meh-execution Gaga outfit so that’s… not the best. I hope she can bring more of her strengths to light next week.

Charlie Hides – I don’t know with this one…. I really enjoy something about her character, but I don’t feel like we’ve seen even close to what she can do yet. Her entrance look was real cute, but then she struggled with her Hometown look’s reveal/tear-away aspect, which she should have had down if she was going to do it at all. The judges really seemed to respond to her Gaga look, which I’ll admit went for it in terms of scope, I just don’t know if it got all the way there in terms of execution. Just little snags all over the place that kept her out of the top of the pack this week. She claims to be a celebrity impersonator so maybe that had me holding her to a higher standard? I don’t know, I’m confused by her and maybe that’s a big element of why I’d like to see her continue? I’m lost with this one.

Kimora Blac – My fave of the self-proclaimed body queens this seasons so far. Drag is exaggeration to me, and so I love her insane padding and her over-the-top attitude. I do think there’s a slight risk of the judges finding her too generic? That already seemed to be a critique of her Hometown look, but representing Vegas in one look is no easy task. She’s very put together in general though so hopefully she just brings more of the personality from her sound bytes into her actual presentation and performances for the judges to review. She strikes me as smart and seasoned too, so I’m grading her up a little for that.

Farrah Moan – I was expecting so much when she showed up in the workroom giving me Jessica Rabbit, down, BOOTS. Then her Vegas look was kind of heavy, if in the spirit of Vegas costumery to my eye (fuck what the judges were blathering about in this case). I also loved that she used her actual hair for her Gaga-in-Alejandro fantasy (also a bit heavy in silhouette though, as judges pointed out). The makeup was stunning every time, I just want so much more from her in weeks to come or she’ll just keep sliding down the rankings for me. It’s a wild bunch of gals this year, she’s going to need to stand out and soon. There’s not much time, you know? Get to it.

Trinity Taylor – She’s this far down because she talked a big game in sound bytes, but I saw nothing remarkable or memorable this week. Claims she’s a body queen? Okay, cool, what else. Claims she’s a pageant girl? Again, cool, but nothing to write home about. And then her Hometown look from Orlando was so convoluted and iffy for me, followed by a Gaga-in-Horror-Story look that was the closest she got to me remembering her. I’m not trying to read, but she’s making it so easy. Do more or go home.

Jaymes Mansfield – Poor thing, I’m just sensing a lot of desperation from her already. She claims to be a comedy queen but I never really laughed at any of her efforts. I wanted to. What was with that busted puppet in her entrance bit? And how did all three of her looks give such a similar silhouette despite being different to some extents? Was it how cheap they all looked? Quite possibly. I’m getting Mimi Imfurst, Sasha Belle and other early elimination try-hards from her. It’s not a good sign when I’m holding your alleged strengths against you, like I did when she tried to camp up her Gaga-in-Vogue moment. That was a chance to be snatched that she totally missed by deciding to act inexplicably sedated? Not feeling it, sorry ‘bout it. Not that sorry though.

Okay, I’ve had it. Officially. See you next week.

Free Write // Kiting

When I get out of work I mistake a garden supply store for a cemetery. All fountains and sundials/empty headstones of unmarked graves.

We measure time in relics, don’t we? Droplets clinging to our webs. Ticks and strokes of the heart and clock.

On the bus a wheelchair bound veteran councils an orphan trying to get into the air force despite a previous failure due to asthma. He asks, why not change her plan instead? Alter trajectory.

She never wants life to get easy, she replies. She’s found esteem in the hardships. They feed her drive to make it to the sky. She states: I graduated high school two-and-one-half-weeks early.

I think to myself that she might take off now if she starts jumping. I think she might sprout wings because she is making me certain with her assuredness that she’s an unsteady, unstoppable journey up.

I notice the shapeless semi-transparent bag containing all her belongings. Belongings structuring next to nothing into a portable lifetime through neatness. Her important papers pad the bottom as one file without a crease, a staple, a clip. She simply has it together, literally and by necessity.

I know we’ll keep measuring time in achievements/diplomas, ribbons, statues. As well as undos/dust cleared, laws nullified, papers shredded, stains removed.

By the time we return to the world/when our pillow is our marking stone… I can’t imagine it will matter what we’ve accumulated, good or bad. What will matter is the arrangement of memories, how they hold together although we may well lose them ourselves.

Each bag is only half-clear. Our parcels are not all our own, even from the start. We as vessels, as creatures, are susceptible to tears and holes. Schisms.

But then, the absences are the simplest to hold onto.

Unknown soldiers. Anonymous artists. The faceless natures of certain gods. Don’t worry.

If you still have questions then you’re spinning onwards dutifully. A young child’s marble, you are a gorgeous swirl held to the light. Impossibly prized,. Easily lost. With time found again. Vital treasure.

Personal // Bloom Incomplete

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about personal accountability. About how we use extenuating circumstances to make ourselves feel better about what has come to pass, or make ourselves feel separate from a person we used to be. About how much of our societal progress is measured in these severances from traumas, from simple missteps. From the times you know you were just plain wrong. Deliberate fresh starts in the middle of lives that are ongoing no matter how you frame them. The whole infrastructure of how we evaluate our lives feels artificial because it is, but I don’t think that’s intrinsically bad. Just this version might be really, really bad and I have no idea how we revamp this world without razing it, which frightens the fuck out of me, maybe it should.

Going bigger picture on this topic is avoidance though, because it’s my own life I’ve been considering, so here’s the tea. I’ve put myself in a corner for awhile now trying to keep score of the fucked up things I’ve done and the traumas I’ve endured. Tried to make lists of all the apologies I owed, all the sorries I could say without it turning ugly fast, etc. etc. The foulest feeling ones are the apologies I want to articulate, but know are futile this many years down the road.

When I was younger I would nullify responsibility for myself with whatever “otherness” I possessed in relation to the people I interacted with. That otherness had allowed others to do me harm so I thought it was justifiable that it become my shield in turn. My queerness, my gender identity, my mental illnesses, my struggle to reconcile with myself following traumas (abusive people, bullies, car wreck, rape, medication problems, stuff I won’t detail because it hasn’t fully registered as damage a long time later). I used every facet of myself as an excuse for how horrible I was to people when I just felt like lashing out. I used ideas I didn’t understand to explain actions I never thought out. Yeah, I can say that I had diminished capacity in some instances, for a whole plethora of reasons. It’s years later though and I have a decent amount of clarity compared to the heat of a million moments where I said or did something I’d later rue intensely. I can say, at least once, to everyone who might feel they’re owed it, a genuine I am sorry.

I misused all sorts of ideals, enforced damaging radical positivity to mostly bolster my own self-worth, disregarded other people’s personal boundaries while blacked out myself, rationalizing every part of it as textbook aspects of conditions I expected people to accommodate and understand without trying to handle them myself. I romanticized a million and one damaging ideals about identity, about relationships, about bodies, about self-expression. I can tell you it was taught to me first by other parties, of course it was. It doesn’t mean I didn’t harm people as a twisted attempt to care about others when I was in no condition to. I have to recognize the past as part of my continuance here. I stomped on good friendships, long standing bonds, people who hadn’t done anything except fall within my field of vision. There’s no sugar coating that I hated myself then, and I’m sure some of you perceived that and it’s important to say it out loud now but it doesn’t change that you all (you know who you are if you read this) deserved better from a loved one, from a friend.

I wish I could remember everything I’ve been, everything I was, everything I am because of it. I keep expecting some of the blank spaces where memories go to come back but you don’t really get to choose the order of things found and recovered. Honestly, I’m not sure that I’ve ever written about the memory loss as a quality of my experiences with trauma and wellness. Maybe I’ve written something very close to this piece before on another crashed hard drive. It’s difficult to say.

What matters is that I wrote this now, and yeah fuck my individualistic concerns about my own fucking life, this is a selfish piece in the end. I needed to write it though. Not so I can move on from everything in my past I’ve been trying to process, but to see that I don’t forget my own history without spending all my time reminding myself actively of it. So that maybe some fraction within the tiny groups of humans I’ve known in my life see this some day. They might not believe any of this. That’s okay. I’ve apologized a lot in my life, and I’m only learning how to really say something like this when I mean it now. Thank you for reading if you’re still here. I’ve set my intention and the words are all out.

TV // RuPaul’s Drag Race S8E07 “Shady Politics”

I am short tempered and a week behind in time as far as recaps are concerned because of the stupid site being down. Now that it’s back up (thanks tech support, love you) I can rant about this week’s episode properly. If you’ve been reading my recaps this season (or know me at all) you can probably guess how pissed off I am. There’s a little twist of glibness at how I’m able to predict RPDR’s machinations but I hate when they work against the queens I want to win personally. Let’s commence with the top to bottom reading of the girls ASAP, I’ll shell out context in case you missed it.

Mini challenge was something objectifying of all-but-naked men that Derrick Barry won. That sentence looks shady but is accurate, hm. Maxi-challenge was to pair off (called it) and smear each other with ads as political rivals for for first drag president (sure why not). Runway was black and white film realness (as in made up to look totally grey scale ala Sin City or Detox’s iconic look). Guest judges were Vivica A. Fox (fab) and some cis masc white gay dude who is known for coming out in his field of expertise where that’s gutsy, idk, I can’t pretend to care. He seemed nice and non-threatening, like toast to anyone not gluten-intolerant. Moving right along.

Bob the Drag Queen (winner)– Another amazing week for Bob. She was paired with Derrick and I sort of figured that their adversarial elements would work in a context where they were in conflict for performance purposes. I also called the unfortunate phenomenon of her coaching way more out of Derrick than I needed to see from a queen I’d rather see go home already. Anyways, her ad is one of the funniest things a queen has produced across all of the seasons. Her runway look was giving you some Freaks-inspired fun clown couture (such versatility she’s shown, I really am surprised by her week to week). I think there was no stopping her this week, but she’d be wise to play ball with Michelle’s demand for “full glam” (every time from one queen or another, sigh).

Naomi Smalls– Accounting for growth, learning to give the judges what they want and a stunning, different runway outfit that showcased refinement of her drag, Naomi easily comes in second if the teams weren’t winning and falling to the bottom in pairs. It was more her commitment to her ad than anything about it that worked, that and her effective use of partner Kim Chi. Definitely not the winner this week but a deservingly well reviewed showing from her going into the home stretch of the competition.

Kim Chi– I’m glad that Ru noted Kim’s use of “no fats/no femmes/no Asians” as one of the realest social issues within queerness that marketing and real life alike sweeps under the rug hastily. It goes well beyond services like CraigsList. Back to her performance in the show, I get that she didn’t nail the ad itself completely. I can’t bring myself to be mad her cleverness though. Bob mentioned being happy to be political this episode but I think Kim is the most likely girl left to be truly subversive. Her runway look as a sad french clown showed another big step forwards in control of movement, as well as giving more performance/character work.

Derrick Barry (winner)– Yes, she totally brought it harder this week in the main challenge. Do I think it was mostly coaxed out by Bob and the judges directing? Absolutely. Taking direction is important but I’m not more convinced of who Derrick is as an entertainer standing on her own. I laughed at her ad but doubted her control of the situation, which I think even Carson hinted at via backhanded compliment. If next week is a three look design challenge then I fully anticipate her look she’s expected to make to knock her to the bottom, hopefully meeting Chi Chi to get slain promptly. I didn’t even mention her runway, which was pretty with a slightly clumsy, still surprising reveal. It wasn’t enough on that stage.

Chi Chi DeVayne (bottom two)– Girl pulled a DiDa Ritz and got too serious about being “presidential” and didn’t quite get the challenge dead-on. It’s too late in the game for those miscalculations. Even though her runway was gorgeous and becoming it was not going to be enough to save her, especially judged in pairs. Ru and the others must have wanted to keep her though because they gave her the Dreamgirls song to drag up out of all of them (after a season of references when she’s on stage no less). I can’t be too mad because she did go all in, making a wardrobe malfunction work in her favor, running herself ragged. Hustle girl.

Thorgy Thor (eliminated)– I miss her already. She was such an amazing presence this season. While I can’t deny she lost the lip synch, or that her runway outfit was tied with Derrick’s for the worst… I felt for her. She’d come in high rankings without winning for so long only to be turned away. She never gave up, she created a pretty great character for her ad that misfired. In the end she was done in by a self-acknowledged weak point: inability to edit. She won’t be forgotten, that’s for sure. She made her mark on this season consistently. I believed she was going to be the first queen since Jujube to make top three even if she never won a challenge.

TV // RuPaul’s Drag Race S8E06 “Wizards of Drag”

The site has been down and I’m so sorry to just be getting these posts up now.

I have been flying through life day to day and it has not left much time for intense, painstaking analysis of reality TV, sad to say. HOWEVER! I am going to keep trying to do these recaps anyways, and since I don’t see new episodes until Tuesday mornings anyways, I am effectively in the dark about what’s airing tonight as I blaze through last week in as few words as possible.

It was the makeover episode of this season, i.e. time for uncomfortable, occasionally revelatory intersectional moments between this year’s queens and a group of people from the world outside drag. This season the design theme was characters from the Wizard of Oz (because classical queer references are important-ish) interpreted into couture by the queens and their partners for the week: the cast of Lifetime’s Little Women. Again: uncomfortable at times and strangely insightful at others. What else do you expect from RPDR? A mixed goodie bag is the nature of the show. There was some interpretive dance stuff thrown into the challenge as it went on as the obligatory “twist”, and as usual it was so briefly touched on that it is nearly impossible to review.

Regular judges were Ru, Michelle Visage and Ross Matthews, assisted by guest judges, Marc Jacobs (great designer and total shot in the foot to every queer person not fitting the “white cis gay and in perfect shape” criteria, sigh) and Todrick Hall (who is apparently important enough now to get these kinds of gigs? good for him and way to dress in theme for the night). I can’t even get into why one of these public figures bothers me personally, and there are better think-pieces out there about Marc Jacobs being another problematic cog in a fashion machine running on white colonist beauty standards. Oops, threw shade anyways. That means it’s time to read the girls, rapid fire! Personal tops to bottoms as usual.

Kim Chi– I don’t disagree with the winner of this week but I thought that Kim had it in the bag. The looks she made for herself and her partner really went together. Also, they were the pair to use the height difference smartly to really create a moment of fantasy by flying Briana (aka Miso Chi) onstage in their entrance. I liked the dark, vaguely fucked up quality of their dance segment… I also imagine it cost her the win this week. Whatever. Stay true to yourself. Also, her referring to Naomi’s runway looks at the start of the episode as all being “two piece and a biscuit” nearly killed me.

Naomi Smalls (winner)– I am so happy to be able to put her up here with a “winner” next to her name. Two weeks ago I posted about how much potential I felt she possessed and I was SO SAD when she bombed Snatch Game, barely surviving the week. What a pleasure to watch her rally by defying all of her criticisms on the show so far. She showed really strong design and construction skills, with acute attention to detail. Some of it bordered on understated by drag standards and took the eye a minute to absorb. All of that to me meant it was successful. Beyond that Naomi made sure her sister for the week, Jasmine (aka Jazzy Jems), was taken care of. Of all of the guests’ looks that night there was none more flattering than Jazzy Jems’. Naomi really made a look that created family resemblance through beauty and a fierce eye for proportion/silhouette.

Thorgy Thor– She has fallen just short of winning for five sixths of the competition now, she must be going absolutely bananas. It was a fairly competitive week at the top but Thorgy continues to hang in, no matter the challenge. She was told to design green couture too, which is no easy feat on judging panel with Michelle Visage’s critical-definitely-skewed eye trained on you like a hawk with implants. And she and Brittney (aka Thorgeous) were an adorable dancing duo. I wouldn’t have called her the winner this week either, but it felt a little cruel that the only real critique we heard was Ross say he wasn’t sure of the looks’ memorability. They were couture and in character for Thorgy as a queen though. I’m not sure what the judges want from her besides a breakdown or the silly amount of psycho-emotional resilience that she continues to show.

Bob the Drag Queen– It was really funny watching Bob try to explain to partner, Elena (aka Rob the Faux Queen), that this was not a show where people helped each other when the heat was on, especially when you’ve been frontrunner for a minute according to the judges. Edits make it hard to know how fucked Bob really was with her own design falling apart on her, but I believe the stress was very real. Her sister Rob looked amongst the best of the week out of anyone on that stage so I think that counts for a lot. It kept her well clear of the bottom two even though she herself looked thrown together (that makeup was ouch, sorry).

Chi Chi DeVayne– She sure lucked out with a supportive, confident partner in Tonya (aka Ti Ti DeVayne), didn’t she? They obviously got along famously and while that’s hardly the challenge’s purpose it was also great TV to watch two obvious kindred spirits bond. It was probably that bond shining in their performance on the runway that saved Chi Chi this week because the garment she made herself? Is what one would call “suspicious” in shape, like Dax’s butt pads (sorry babe, you’re missed). Her week two win is fading fast now and I love Chi Chi but I don’t know how much more she can push through on charm and amazing performance skills.

Robbie Turner (eliminated)– I’ve been a detractor of hers this season, but I have to admit that some of that is how she made some of the same choices I would’ve in her heels. Like on a personal level our tastes have a good amount of overlap, so that might have been what frustrated me as much as anything. Watching someone I wanted to root for make excuses at really disappointing times. I thought her exit was pretty graceful and sweet, and that it was a shame that the lip synch was so thoroughly thrown to Derrick. I’m leaving the veil of mercy over her attempt at couture and moving on.

Derrick Barry– At least Robbie was clever at times. Now we’re struck with this dance-capable, insecure prom queen who may have shown the judges the “vulnerability” they have been trying to squeeze out of her like blood from a stone after that bout of tears at the end of the night. I’m sure some people feel for her but I just don’t have the same sympathy. She didn’t realize hiding inside the character of a public figure who has achieved fame through a mixture of talent and troubles would project in some way on her own work as a person/artist? I guess that’s possible, introspection is hard… That doesn’t change how busted everything she did this week was. If Ru hadn’t let her show off to “I Love It” by Icona Pop (the 2010s equivalent to Brit’s pop hits in every way, very smart RPDR) then there would be no excuse to keep her around. But the judges will find a way and I hate it. Hate. It.

PERSONAL // On The Other Side Of “Your” Street

I’m very upset so this probably won’t be terribly coherent. This will be me making sense (hopefully) out of stuff that happened less than an hour ago that I’m still not sure how I became a part of. I never tried to engage in this situation, and I still don’t know why I was forced into becoming a part of it. Before I get any further into my head I’m going to try and get the basics out about my unhappily eventful commute home.

I have to take two buses to get home as a part of my recently changed weekday routine, and I didn’t think much of it going in because public transit is hardly a new experience for me. What I didn’t anticipate was the fact that the stop I wait at to transfer is located smack dab in the middle of UC Boulder’s campus, directly across from one of their illustrious (read: seamy) frathouses. Something that shouldn’t mean anything but apparently means a whole fucking lot the second that I become involved.

I first realized I’d caught their attention when I was waiting for my bus last Friday. They were having some kind of mixer event with other Greek Life cults attending in stupid costumes, because what else would they be doing. I figured the raging river of traffic would protect me but somehow one couple staggered across the road using their combined brain power equivalent to one of those potato clocks you make for your sixth grade science fair. I would call myself presumptuous regarding these strangers’ collective intellect if they hadn’t crossed the road to tell me to stop staring at what they were doing. I explained that my bus had to pass their house to get to this stop, so I was looking up periodically so as not to be caught unaware when it got here. I probably used smaller words. Furthermore, I had no interest in their sad party so they could go back to what they were doing. That I probably said verbatim. They may have taken umbrage with that because suddenly I was a “faggot”, a “freak who couldn’t get into real college”. Never mind that I already have my first degree, they didn’t know that.

Anyways, they retreated across the street to their echo chamber of social ugliness and shortly thereafter I was berated with every hate speech term that semi-intoxicated rich kids had to offer, most of which didn’t apply to me to begin with. It made the terms that did hit sore spots matter a little bit less because they didn’t know who I was. They were just firing blindly at what they didn’t recognize right away. I think they saw me wince at “she-male” because that’s the one they’ve used most since our initial encounter. My bus did eventually come that evening and I did eventually make it home safe and sound.

Right when I got through my apartment door that night I used Google Maps to try and find another comparably quick set of bus transfers that got me where I needed to go and home again. I could take one of my buses way further out of the way to where it intersected with another compatible route…. If I was willing to add to or even double my commute times each way. I never wanted to see those people again but it wasn’t their bus stop. I had a right to exist in public spaces safely, didn’t I?

Today I learned the answer to that question is “maybe, if you’re lucky, but probably not without lots of extra effort”. I learned it from the fact that those frat boys and their girlfriends didn’t say a word to me on my way home tonight.

They just lobbed a glass beer bottle across the street, straight towards me while I stood there, shocked. It would’ve hit me had the driver of my incoming bus not veered to intercept the shot with the top of the bus itself. The bus seemed undamaged but the driver got out while I scurried aboard and let them have it good. How could they be so stupid? Why would they do such a thing? What if it had hurt me? What if it had killed me? What if it had made her crash the bus? Would they still find it so funny when they were suspended? Expelled? She finished by letting them know that she’d be following up with the police and if she even got a whiff of funny business coming from that place again she would see it was shut down.

Who knows what connections one bus driver has and who cares. In that moment she was my hero. She knew the same nothing about me as those kids, yet somehow she understood so much more through the common sense of leaving others alone if they aren’t bothering anyone.

She never said a word to me on that ride home. No one did. I was grateful for that because I had nothing to say. I was already preparing in my head for tomorrow’s potential battle. I still am while writing this. I really hope they took her threats seriously. I somewhat hope that the bus driver does follow up with the cops. I fervently hope that I personally have nothing more to do with it.

I have questions with no satisfactory answers now, the biggest of which are simply: “How and why did they end up targeting me? What did I do to make it continue?” I’m ashamed to admit that I probably looked for where I could blame myself. I asked myself what gave anything away (gave away what though?). Was it my colorful, loudly patterned backpack I’d picked up on the fly at Target? There were so few real signifiers of personality when I was in work mode… I was wearing my shapeless unisex uniform during each interaction. I had my hair pulled back so you could barely tell how long it was, and long hair was so commonplace in Boulder anyways, regardless of identity. I had on no cosmetics, no jewelry, no nothing. I wasn’t expressing as anything or anyone in particular at the time. Maybe that’s why I’m so scared. That wasn’t even me trying to be an event or letting myself truly relax into who I am. It wasn’t performative. It wasn’t even outgoing.

It was me at my most banal and everyday, but still too loud, too much, too close. How did I overstep my boundaries when strangers came up to harass me. How was my presence an affront impossible to ignore. Am I being unreasonable when I say I don’t want to change my whole day and give another easy win to bigots. I don’t think so. Their eyesore of a structure is their business. I really don’t give a damn. Not a single fuck either. But I’ll let them know tomorrow, no matter how afraid I am on many levels. I’ll let them know just by standing there for twenty minutes, Monday through Friday nights, that this right here? This is just a pause for me. This is just a stop. But it’s my stop. It belongs to me and whoever else needs it that you’d rather have the convenience of banishing. And the woman reading you the riot act while you sway in place, day-drunk and shamefaced? Is my way home. She knows where you live and she’ll be coming back. And so will I. Count on it. It’s a date.